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chapter sixteen: you are just the same as them!!
im not like all those other guyswho had you believing.. like its too good to be true.. all of those guys who come smothered in lies.. ouh soo deceiving.. then living you black and blue.. how many times have we said this to our female partners.. or partners to be rather... to give them a false sense of security.. to gain their trust.. and with enough luck gain access into their panties.. i am ashamed to call myself a guy because of people like you.. a crying shame... now ladies... how many times.. have you whined and groaned about guys being the same.. too many time i bet.. now stop.. lets take a step back.. out of your stupid simplistic minds.. and view the senario from a third person view.. have you ever thought.. hey!! maybe.. just maybe.. i get shithead boyfriends.. because i am a shithead girl... now.. dont get me wrong.. i am saying this... based on the knowledge.. that birds of the same feather, flock together... and.. by the aged old order of the world.. known as karma.. you get what you deserve.. deal with it... you ladies get assholes for boyfriends.. well because.. you WANT assholes... you want guys who cheat on you.. guys who sae "i love you baby" to all the girls he know... face it.. you are into these cheap thrill guys.. it just seems more fun.. why?? i dunno.. maybe cause it's mainstream culture.. you dont want to feel "out" so you go for guys that every other girl goes for.. and more often than not.. these guys are jerks... too bad that you experience this heartbreak.. time and again... but you choose this "backward" circle of friends... you choose to be cheated on... so dont go around saying that all guys are the same.. cause we are not.. and yet you continue falling for the same old tricks by the same old jerks.. grow up ladies... stereotyping.. we all do it... i admit.. i love judging people... but please.. judge with your brains... not with the rage and anger exploding in your hearts... for instance... you can stereotype guys into two catagories.. JERKS and SWEETHEARTS use your beter sense of judgement.. each catagory can be further divided.. those you can and would want to date.. and those who you want to avoid.. and please people... we can all pick and choose our friends... there is no one out there who can stop you.. if you have sumone like that in your life right now.. sorry to sae.. but you have made the wrong choice in friends... lesson of the dae: though guys are jerks.. not all of them are alike.. only the ones you (meaning mainstream-ers) seem to go for are.. sadly... Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter fiveteen: the simple life
ok..so todae was dull.. how can it not.. i woke up at 4.30 in the afternoon... and if mother hadnt start her naggings.. i would prolly sleep till 6.. soo i woke up and said a grouchy "good mor-noon world" den took my shower.. i should have just stayed in the shower... soon as i steped out butt naked.. mother was nagging all over again.. demanding me to do this and that.. thank god she nagged at sister more.. so i did my daily rituals.. and started work.. cleaned here and there.. just to show that i was doing sumthing.. and to avoid more naggs... its a killer i tell you.. and mother called another surprise stunt todae.. she decided for us all that we are going out.. go geylang.. i badly didnt want to go.. but i didnt have a sae in the matter.. so off we went.. though i came up with a detour.. so i didnt have to do all the walking and shoving with the crowd.. ouhouh.. i forgot... i learnt how to make ketupat todae.. its soo bloody hard.. but i managed... mother tried to get me to make more of the stuff.. but i was just too lazy.. dunno why she wanna make instead of just buying this year.. oh well.. p.s. this is one damn lame post... Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter fiveteen: in the limelight
why??why me?? for crying out loud... do you think i enjoy this?? yes i do love being in the limelight.. for i am an exibitionist... but i dont like to be the cause of fights.. and all that shit... it brings me down lower than you think assholes!! i am oready soo weak.. yet time and again.. you choose to break me down.. kill what little strength i have.. why damn it?? i tried my best... my hardest to make everyone happy... cant you understand that there is only one me?? i cant get to everybody in one dae.. and i still have my own life to live.. or have you forgotten that while you are soo buzy being self-centered?? i may remain silent while you continue to pick on me.. but let me warn your skinny ass not to push it.. dont try to see how far you will get before i explode.. because it wont be pretty.. i have a mean tongue.. though i dont show it.. doesnt mean i dont noe how to use it.. so watch it.. you are starting to thread on thin ice... please!! give me some space.. im doing what i feel is important now.. when all is well.. i will get to you.. i promise.. i will.. Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies poetry in motion: desperation
hey there..can you see my pale face?? im standing in the rain.. letting them fall upon my head, washing away my pain hey there.. can you hear my drowning voice?? im trapped amongst a riot.. angry noise filling the air, killing the quiet hey there.. can you smell my scent?? im beneath the garbage.. the stench, overpowering, getting stronger with age hey there.. can you taste the heat of my breath?? im freezing in the cold.. frosting each breath, gripping me in the chest, before i get old hey there.. can you feel the rough of my skin?? peeling away in the blistering sun.. torn and withering, a lifeless form, one rid of all fun hay baby.. im waiting for you.. but it seems you will never come true.. i love you.. at times i say i dont.. but i do.. im so in love with you boo.. Labels: cut throat suicide poetry in motion: true love
while i may be an alchemist of wordshow is it that you are the one who is melting my heart over and over while i am good with words why am i at a lost for what to say for everytime, you effortlessly take my breath away you melt my heart with words unspoken with a single silent look in oh-so many other ways when my days grow cold you stepped into my life and shone a ray a light of hope one of love, of sincerity one soo pure, far perfect from me how could this love be wrong when the wae your hand held mine felt so right Labels: cut throat suicide chapter fourteen: appreciation
dear godi thank you that you have blessed me.. i know i ask for many things.. and still continue to ask... please god.. dont stop this habit of yours.. your giving waes.. for i am totally in love with it.. yes it does sound self-centered.. but i know you get what im trying to sae right?? heh.. ok.. ive done my prayers.. have you?? you should.. trust me.. ok.. soo i dont know why im being soo pious all of a sudden.. but it makes me feel awesome.. to be in the search of god.. and at the end of the yellow bick road.. you find that god has alwaes been on your side.. alwaes been there to protect you.. to love you even when you think of him last.. while you are on the yellow brick road.. and even when you take shortcuts.. and detour down the red light district in life.. god is with you when you want him.. and when you least expect him to be.. ok.. the story of my life.. the daes seem to wizz right past my head.. i barely feel a thing.. at times.. it feels like i barely have a hold of things.. like trying to catch running water.. i need a break.. to get some air in my lungs again.. maybe a wild night out will do the trick.. but that will have to wait... time does not permit.. its the holy month need i remind you.. and like i said.. ive become slightly more pious in correspondence.. till the dae i get my deserved break.. life goes on.. full throttle.. Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter fourteen: because life is wonderful
ok..soo you have read that life is hard.. soo what rite?? everyone goes through shit till we are are through.. right?? soo lesson learnt.. shit happens... but it is shit that teaches us most if not everything about life.. disagree?? bite me.. it takes rain to noe the sunshine.. it takes cold to make you appericiate warmth.. it takes doubt to have faith.. i dont know why.. but it just is soo.. a brilliant mind once said.. impossible is nothing.. even impossible is spelt.. im-possible.. dont be soo negative love.. follow your heart with what your mind tells you is right.. andand ouh.. im still doing my new poem.. it will be out soon ok.. promise.. Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter thirteen: sulk
jesus christ..when will this end.. what will it take.. cant i be happy?? just once.. is it too much to ask for?? just go away.. this shit is never ending, i tell you.. one after the other.. one vicious insult after another.. and i thought we family.. pfft.. im better off dead than living with you.. and dont pretend that you will cry too.. to God: what did i do to deserve this?? do you hate me soo much?? note to self: dont question God again.. ever.. Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter thirteen: a plea
argh..this truly is cut throat suicide.. maybe i brought this upon myself.. the words "cut throat suicide" dawned upon me at this time.. perfect timing ayy teaser?? damn!! too bad this aint one of them possitive inspirations.. damn.. i just hate living my life rite now... now dont get me wrong... i dont wish that i was dead.. nor do i have any regrets doing what i am doing now.. just that.. well.. i wish i had more support from you guys.. you support me when i compete.. yes.. when im in the early stages of competition.. yes.. but i just wish you could give the same support to my life.. my daily life.. andand not be so critical of me.. im trying my very best for crying out loud.. why dont any of you see progress over end result?? for me to grow and excell.. i need you now.. not later to pat me on the back saying i did a great job.. there is no such thing as constructive criticism.. its a dangerous concept.. criticism is still criticism.. and more often than not.. it is has too much spit in it.. please guys.. i love you all.. dont make me feel this regret.. no good will come from it.. i beg of you.. Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies poetry in motion: ballad for the fallen
as clouds block the night skyi wasted my efforts as i continue to try as if willing the night to shine like day silently i wept and teared the night away as i lay back against the willow this dread in my heart leaves me empty, hollow engulfing, in internal sorrow as i cry and hide into my pillow i make no effort to stop let my tears continue to flow not being half as strong as one can be i let myself fall fall to the depths of shameless self pity all my lies of happiness and merry have failed me true now you see the shame that is me no words worthy of praise as my days end end in a haze head hung low as i turn my back on you one last time one last humiliating disgrace Labels: cut throat suicide chapter thirteen: cut throat suicide
jesus christ..cant you understand?? i dont want to.. i dont have a reason.. i dont need to give any... i just dont want to.. why cant you understand.. any of you.. im trying to get over it and move on.. i suggest you do the same.. please.. just do.. its for our betterment.. mine and yours... its hard.. i noe.. god.. its hard for me too.. but at least im trying.. are you?? seriously.. are you?? instead.. you are trapping me with guilt.. like i dont have enough on my own... its killing me.. emotionally.. mentally... i have my life to live.. you are part of it.. yes... i admit.. acknowledge.. so please.. i beg you.. cut me some slack.. when im all good and done.. i will help you.. i will make you smile again.. like i alwaes do.. i promise.. i will.. and you.. yes.. YOU.. thank you for making me talk ok.. appericiate it... iv-iii.. should i stop saying it soo much?? what do you think?? Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter twelve: slow is good
hmm...the daes are really dragging on.. it suddenly seems to take forever for the nites to end.. i sae nites cause i just sleep the whole dae.. ive become a permanent night watcher.. i made the switch permanant in my biological clock.. or at least it's permanent for the time being.. but hey.. im not gonna complain.. its better to be awake all nite than to slug it out all dae.. when the sun is out.. frying my skin to a crisp.. (god.. dat was soo bimbotic..) and its soo peaceful in the night.. quiet.. no nagging.. no demands.. being awake all alone aint soo bad.. and lately ive been having you for company.. that just makes the nights a better place.. andand i get to see the stars too.. especially this one star that i see everynite.. it twinkles like a wink.. like its smiling.. sumhow it reminds me of you.. your sideward smile.. awesome.. and hey.. when will i see you ya?? its been soo long oreadi... i wanna spend the dae with you again.. can i?? please?? Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies poetry in motion: every end, springs a new begining
this is how our story endsno tears of joy not quite your happy ending but here ends our pretending as memories of you fade to black just so you know, here on out, there is no turning back no hugs, no kisses baby none of that no more as this chapter draws to a quiet close our love fades, like that of a trampeled rose wasted beauty so wicked, yet so amazingly pretty cant believe i thought i loved you cant believe you deceived me to think it was all true to think i put trust and faith in you lying to oneself, that true love is found though how can it for i am smiling now embracing the fact that everything we had everything that we shared finally, we are through an end to every reason for me to remain sad Labels: cut throat suicide chapter twelve: it's time.. let's go!!
see!!i told you it would be a perfect dae.. nothing could go wrong.. now that i have your attention.. i aint letting it go... hopefully.. those three words.. uttered many times.. such a cliche.. but not when you sae it.. it felt soo deep.. honestly.. i dunno.. maybe im too into you, clouding my judgement.. maybe... but i dont think soo.. my bet is.. its dat you dont throw the word around so often.. so when you do sae it.. it means more.. it really does take effect.. eliminating the "cliche" for that.. i cannot stop smiling.. todae was awesome.. the dae went by like a breeze.. met people i have not been seeing for quite awhile.. and went out with a.ricky.. a riot as alwaes.. laughed an incredible lot.. its finally sinking in.. like really sinking in.. one of the biggest competition i will take part in.. it is coming.. and soon.. i have to be ready.. we have to.. right teaser?? less games and fooling around.. seriously.. i need to win.. and to do that.. i need to give my peak performance.. and that my friends.. means training... its a drag.. but.. its the only wae.. least i dont have to worry about anything else now... i have been given the green light to further my education.. thus, defering national service.. now.. its just me and teaser.. the only thing in between us and the gold.. is us.. that wont be too hard to overcome rite?? time is of the essence.. lets hurry to it.. and pray to god he grants our wish.. will you pray with me?? Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter eleven: alls well that ends well
so todae was a blast...didnt start out too good though... had to get up real early... not a morning person.. do take note asswipes... *grin* so i woke up early.. and headed out to CMPB.. to get deferment from enlistment... but it was all a vain effort laa... wasted precious time... or as father said it.. i wasted his petrol.. like i give a shit.. im not paying.. yet.. anywae.. but we laughed alot.. cursed at other fucked up drivers even more... it didnt matter that we (or i rather) were fasting.. i mean.. father fasted too.. but i was the one avidly swearing... out loud.. mother didnt mind too much.. den we went shopping for groceries.. and stuff i wanted but dont really need.. its fun to go out alone with father and mother... i get things i want.. without really asking... aint it awesome?? den went to fetch sister (badia) from holidae class.. irony.. having classes while on break.. and went out with her, love and fishball.. it was the highlight of the dae.. i mean it.. yes it felt a little gay.. going out with girls and being the only guy.. but it was damn fun.. even more soo when the girls are a riot.. it was crazy.. non stop laughing and criticizing the general public... and who knew... i got more looks from girls (meaning strangers) when with them.. than i normally would (mind you, i get alot of admirative stares all the time) when im out with dicks (meaning guys).. andand.. i got alot of double-takes from the ladies... rather fine ladies if i might add... i really should do this again.. and soon.. *wide grin* dear asswwipes and fucktarts.. just a word of caution.. DO NOT.. i repeat.. DO NOT!! mess with my baby sister.. (though she is not much of a baby) seriously.. dont.. she will curry your balls if you are nice to her.. but the minute you turn your back against her.. she would crush your balls.. (this goes out to girls as well, yes idiots i noe the "weaker" gender does not have balls.. argh.. you'll figure it out) do not initiate any form of arguement nor infuriate her.. if you cannot handle the venom in her spit.. if you cannot bear mine.. you will not survive hers.. shakesphere said might is in the pen not the sword.. pornstar saes.. well, shakesphere was lucky not to live in these times and to have met my sister.. but seriously.. dont mess with her.. she is a nice person.. dont get me wrong.. just dont ge on her bad side.. or the sun wont shine the same for you.. EVER.. i love you sis.. ouhouh.. and guess what.. i got word that the bitch is pregnant... a bit far-fetched.. but.. hey.. anything is possible.. lets see if it is true.. and if it is.. well.. so be it.. not my mess... not my problem.. andand dearie.. the previous post was not aimed a you... it never was... if you wanna talk about it.. do approach me ok?? cause i dont noe how to tell you.. unless you ask.. i mean it.. i love you.. god.. im bitching around alot todae.. must be the hang over from todaes events.. what the hell.. embrace the moment as it happens.. who noes when the next will come.. rite love?? Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter eleven: well this sucks
life sucks like this huh??lose too much than what you get... but we sit quiet cause we are happy to get anything at all... dreams are a fraction of what reality really is huh?? to teaser: i dont believe this bullshit one tiny bit.. the future is what we make of it.. consequences of our actions.. newton's law: every action has an equal and an opposite reaction.. pornstar's logic: if the future is destined by our present actions.. the future is now.. reactions are the visible outputs.. true?? if that is true.. why the blazing hell cant i solve all my problems?? though it may seem that i dont have any... i have plenty to go around... some more persistent than others... but.. the point is i do have problems... nothing is soo peachy and perfect.. nothing is as it seems sugar.. why do i have to play peacemaker... im not complaining about the attention im getting... its awesome to be in the light... but it does get taxing... im tired of smiling oreadi.. the falseness of it all... i forgot what it means and feels like to really-REALLY smile... but no.. this does not mean i am ready to give up on you... everything i do.. is for you.. seeing your smile is more important than my happiness.. cause.. dats my job rite?? this is why i was born into your lives... my purpose.. crap.. i talk too much.. i need love.. yours would be just perfect.. your sidewae smile.. makes me forget the hurt.. the brush of your skin.. soothes the pain... i need love.. i need you.. i love you.. straight up.. no riddles.. no puzzles.. i-love-you Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter ten: as things draw to a close
if you are determined to leave girl..i will not stand in your wae... seriously... i wont stop you... all the best in your upcoming life... but honestly.. i dont give a damn.. cause i will no longer be a part of it... so baby.. now you cant blame me for not trying... i tried to start a casual conversation... tried to maintain and sustain our friendship.. but you showed signs of pushing me away... and i can take a hint... so im backing off... though i very much doubt that you would read this... i just had top sae it anywae... i need to clear things out.. with myself, most importantly... this is my final goodbye.. baby.. all the best in your future life.. Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter ten: past tense
backs against the familiar treesmiling faces soaking with sweat.. others disapprove heck, as though we ever cared.. what mattered most was us.. you and me.. but things change.. precious joy becomes an ominous memory.. though we have set on different paths.. one where we would never meet.. we can alwaes look back.. smile glad.. of the childhood we shared.. our love was special.. never once did we squabble.. for none was inferior.. we stuck true.. together, forever as i watch you go.. down the path i could not follow.. i managed a smiled and rejoiced... for none in my memory.. was one tainted in sorrow.. chapter ten: hits and MISSES
tick tock..time passes so quick huh?? just yesterdae we were together.. arm in arm.. laughing.. joking.. mocking the other (in good taste) now.. all seems but a distant memory... it is as though we are on a thrill ride.. one that ends too soon... way to soon... but all memories are good memories rite?? a friend said i should cherish all the good memories we shared.. and i should thank god that i only have good memories of you.. there wasn't one occasion that i thought ill of you.. and thats good.. rite cuzz?? i love you ya.. hmm.. so.. let me share a piece of good news.. if not for you.. for me at least.. i got accepted into tp... yes.. im resuming my education... and defering the crime called ns.. ns.. hey.. the acronym reminds me of you.. n-s.. heh.. i-iv-iii.. you figured it out.. i'll see you soon ok.. Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter nine: in loving memory, hafiz "BEAN"
hey..i will miss you forever.. i hope you get to rest in peace.. my prayers are alwaes for you.. i love you.. till we meet again... in loving memory hafiz "bean" 29 April 1989 - 03 September 2008 i love you, cousin, best friend, brother. Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter eight: law of attraction in action
hey..i noe you might be reading this.. and sumhow it makes me happy.. knowing that you want to know about me.. what i go through.. you knoe.. asking me would be soo much easier.. lets get to it.. have any of you wondered?? dats it.. simply wonder?? and get amazed how far your mind goes.. your lucrative imagination.. how wild it is.. how vivid the images your mind conjure.. sumtimes its hard to put your foot down and sae it is not reality.. it is just an image you want to see.. but see.. the wierd thing is.. the things you want to see.. your imagination, so to speak.. is reality.. just that you dont realize it.. it is your reality.. and reality is relative.. your reality may not necessairly be the same as others.. so dream away.. who noes.. one dae.. the images you soo crave to see.. might actually happen in front of your very eyes.. i knoe mine is.. i see myself with you.. and it seems my reality is coming true.. just that i will have to wait awhile.. rite?? but what is time... when you are getting what is worthwhile.. nothing worth getting is easy obtaining.. andand.. have you solved it yet?? what is.. i-iv-iii Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter eight: a sadistic mind
hmm..this is going to be bland.. nothing tickeled my funny bone.. nothing made me tick.. my mind seems to be at ease.. such wierd feelings.. so foreign.. ease.. in one word.. boring.. lets dig deeper.. what could be the reason i feel soo.. urmm.. calm.. could this be the hangover from yesterdae?? looking back feels awesome.. i shud do this often.. reflection.. but wait.. its not everydae i get to spend time with you.. that i get to enjoy such.. ease.. (god.. im using that word alot..) so maybe reflecting wont be such a good habit.. let's just revert to living todae for todae's satisfaction shall we?? nono.. wait.. there was this one incident.. have you heard the sound of snapping bones?? human bones.. forearm to be exact.. god.. the noise was soo loud.. one loud SNAP.. everything seems to come to a stand still after that.. in a sick sadistic wae.. it was an incredible and unique sound.. *paak* -- *dead silence* no moaning pain.. no screams.. no shouting.. not what i expect.. sure it freaked me out.. but at the point of incident.. you could indulge the fleeting seconds of peace.. but when you see the limp hand.. all mayhem broke.. ok, exageration.. but yeah.. the silence broke.. frantic wails.. quick instructions were given to get help.. but on the flip side.. all other activities seized to a screeching halt.. as though e all really cared.. more of plain curiosity i recon.. but the poor fella.. too bad i guess.. it was bound to happen.. it is.. god's will.. accept it.. learn from it.. we, others should too.. we dont want that happenng to ourselves now do we?? thought the sound was incredible.. one of a kind.. unique.. the aftermath of it ain't soo pretty.. the pain of recovery.. the trauma.. ok next.. have you anticipated sumthing?? like wait for the moment to arrive.. to celebrate with all your little hearts desire.. but when the moment does arrive.. nothing seems as epic as you imagined?? like.. it was just another regular event?? hmm.. are we expecting too much?? or is it because we think ourselves bigger than we really are?? how sad.. Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies chapter seven: bad boy is here to stay
awesome..funny ain't it how a single person can change the mood of your dae?? how the people around you can either make or break your dae?? and we all refuse to think that we are afected by the words and actions of others.. how we continue to live in denial.. thumping our chest, claiming to be strong as an individual.. how we lie to ourselves.. pathetic aren't we?? just yestardae.. i had thoughts of ending life.. to leave this world.. forever and for good.. mind you.. they were not thoughts of suicide.. i won't steep to that level again.. i learnt not to play god anymore.. only He can take and give life.. only He has that privilage.. i was more on the side of.. praying that he would take me back.. to be among his angels again.. thank god i didnt.. for if i did pray.. and if he did grant my prayer.. i wouldnt have got the chance to be with you todae.. and i loved todae.. you made me see the reason why i wake up to live everydae.. you make me feel glad i wake up in the morning.. ouhouh.. did i tell you that i dreamt of you?? it was nice.. even in my dreams.. you are a possitive impact.. todae was awesome.. can i get a round two?? Labels: for use of better word, pornstar dailies |